Between2 - Distribution

I have put off the distribution of the things mother left to the kids in her will. So, last weekend while dad and Amos were working on the deck roofing project I put on some high-test music, cranked it up and started gathering. In between fetching the items and labeling them for the recipients I baked two batches of muffins, cupcakes and a cake. The work crew partook of a delicious Spanish omelet I whipped up for them mid-morning and open faced roast beef sandwiches for lunch. Everyone benefited from my need to make distribution of mom’s items an easier task.

Between2 - Dealing

Daddy and I are working through our darker times since losing mom. We have created some projects, large and small to keep us busy and focused.

Dad is working on roofing and screening in the back deck. We had planned this before mom’s passing so she would be more comfortable outside. He is putting in a sliding glass door on the east end of the porch so it will block the wind for those chilly evenings in the spring and fall. When it comes winter he will enclose the west and south sides as well to make an area where the deck furniture can be stored so we can leave the greenhouse empty for storing root crops and starting new plants in the spring. Right now it is so packed with lawn furniture that you can’t even get in the door.

This project is keeping him busy and out of the house, which is good for him right now.

Friends, including the hospice folks, have come to visit during the day. Dad is enjoying the unexpected company. Ann stopped by yesterday and he showed off his redecorated bedroom. He said, “She really liked it.” I said, “What’s not to like,” and he beamed. On Sunday mornings I find him sitting in his bedroom reading the paper and watching the Sunday morning news show. I join him, lying down across the bed long enough to read the funnies and the magazine section of the newspaper before we either move to the living room or take off on some errand.

I am busy with my blog and fighting the good fight to keep my job. They are thinking about outsourcing the print shop at school. It is a bad idea. It would be a bad idea even if it didn’t mean the loss of my job.

I am on an improvement kick. I have neglected my health affairs for years while looking after mom. I have a new pair of glasses and next week I get two crowns installed. Next is the dreaded yearly physical and I will be back up to date. I have also started a weight reduction plan. I refuse to call it a diet. I am calling it an OH plan (Optimal Health). I don’t really care (honestly) how much I weigh as long as I feel good. I don’t feel my best right now and I know some poundage needs to be removed before I will be back in fighting shape.

Dad and I have been reconnecting and finding some joy in the freedom of activity we can have now. If we want to go to the movies spur of the moment, we can. No worry if it is raining or cold outside. No dealing with the wheelchair or oxygen bottles. We miss her, but not her paraphernalia.

Friends are staying close. We have been out to dinner and lunch with folks. We are going to Dale’s in Kansas in the fall. He bought us tickets. That will be nice, a vacation with dad. I hope to have many more over the next few years.

Between2 - Chaos times 3

Dad has been home a total of seven days in the over six weeks since mom died. He left four days after it happened to spend some time away with my younger brother down in Coos Bay. He rested, wrote and visited with Jeff and Melissa. He said he had some dark days, but he was okay.

He came home for less than a week and one of my borrowed brothers, Dale, sent him a plane ticket so he could come see him in Kansas for two weeks. Dale lost his wife a little over a year ago so I thought it would be good for dad to have him to talk to.

Dad just returned this past Sunday and now he is off, four days later, to Jeff’s again for a week. My older brother, Wade, is coming from Nevada to visit and they are all meeting up at Jeff’s.

Trying to arrange this last trip was like dealing with the Three Stooges. If I had them in the same room rather than on separate telephone lines, I would have slapped them. Dad can’t seem to make a decision and the boys talk over and past each other until it is a muddled mess. It went something like this:

I came home last night and dad announced, “Jeff is coming to pick me up tomorrow.” (It is a 5-1/2 hour drive one way and Jeff is disabled.) “But, he doesn’t know how I will get me home.”

I said, “I thought Wade was coming to get you after he visited with Jeff.” (That is what the email said that Wade sent me the day before.)

Dad: Jeff said Wade expects me to come for the whole summer. I don’t want to be gone that long. I have stuff to do here.

I don’t want him to be gone that long either. I need company. I need him to help make some decisions of what stays and what goes. I need us to work up a routine again. I need my daddy. I feel like I have lost both parents.

Dad: Maybe I should just go with Wade for a week and come back before the 1^st.

Dad wanted to pick up the supplies to roof the deck this weekend. If he spends the weekend with the boys and then goes home with Wade it will be two or three weeks before he gets back to his project.

Me: Well, if you are going to be going home with Wade, maybe you should just let Wade come and get you like originally planned and save Jeff the long drive tomorrow.

Dad: That sounds like a good idea.

At this point Jeff called.

Jeff: I can’t believe how convoluted this has become. Dad needs to make up his mind what he wants to do.

Me: I just talked to him and he wants to have Wade come and get him on Thursday like he originally planned.

Jeff: Well, I was just trying to save Wade a long drive and we three could visit.

Me: Did Wade complain about coming to get Dad?

He is a truck driver after all and used to driving all day and night if need be.

Jeff: No and I don’t want to make the drive unless I have to. I just spent two weeks with dad. I was just going to help out. I don’t know what is happening.

I can feel him tearing his hair on the other end of the phone.

Me: So, stay home and Wade can come as planned and get dad. I’ll call Wade and tell him to go back to Plan A.

Jeff: Great.

At this point Jeff hangs up and takes his meds for the night. He is no longer available for talking, but I don’t know this. I call Wade to confirm.

Wade: So, I have to come get Dad? I’ll be putting over 1,000 miles on my car.

He’s not happy. For that matter, neither am I. I am supposed to be the packer, not the planner for this trip.

Me: So, call Jeff and tell him you are back to Plan B and he needs to come get Dad.

Dad drives still, but not all the way to Coos Bay by himself. He would need help/company for a drive that length. I can’t take him. I have to work.

Wade: I’ll call Jeff.

Me: Dad and I are going out for my birthday. Call me on my cell or leave me a message so I know whether to have dad packed and ready.

Wade: Will do.

Dad and I go to dinner. We return to a voice message from Wade.

Wade: I’ll call you when I get up there. (Cryptic to say the lease. Who is coming to get dad and when? Is that too much to ask?)

I try to call Jeff because I know Wade is on the road. No answer. I call Wade.

Me: So what did Jeff say?

Wade: I didn’t talk to him.

Me: I thought that was what you were going to do three hours ago.

Frustration is only half the problem.

Wade: You try to call him. I’m not sure I can get through to him on my cell.

He’s whimping out on me. I thought he was the one who wanted to see Dad. He didn’t make it for mom’s last days.

Me: I tried already.

I want out of this. I don’t know how I got in the middle.

Wade: Keep trying.

I just want to shoot them both. I hang up the phone.

Dad: So should we pack?

Me: No, I left it with Jeff that he was not coming to get you. Wade will pick you up next Thursday.

Dad falls asleep in front of the TV. I fume.

Now it is the next morning. Dad asks, “Do you think Jeff will show up to pick me up?”

Me: Nope. I left it with him that he was not coming.

Dad: I really don’t want to go home with Wade. I would like to go visit with Jeff and Wade for the weekend and then just come home, but Jeff didn’t know how he would get me home.

Now he tells me what he really wants. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I call Jeff.

“This is what Dad would really like,” I say with a big sigh. “He would like to come down there and visit with you and Wade and then come home. He doesn’t want to go home with Wade right now. If you can’t come get him, I can send him down on the train or bus.”

Jeff: I don’t mind coming to get him. I can come get him. (What happened to I don’t want to drive that far if I don’t have to?)

Me: You can send him home on the bus or train.

Jeff: If he will stay until Thursday (the day he would have gone home with Wade) I can bring him home. Let me get off the phone and on my way.

I hang up. Tell dad he is going to see Jeff and Wade for a week and to start laying things out for me to pack. (We made him a traveling list last time he went to Dale’s, because when he went to Jeff’s he left all his clothes behind.) I have 15 minutes until I have to leave for work.

I made it. Dad is packed. He will be on his way by early this afternoon. I made it to work only slightly late. 

The three of them are moving targets. At least mom stays put.

Between2 - Cleaning up

Angie came the first afternoon Jeff was gone. Thank the lord for friends like her. She is probably the closest thing I have to a sister. She is my rock.

We organized the study so she could find her bed for the night. The rest of her three day stay is a bit of a blur. I know she helped me go through some things and we took a few things to the Salvation Army. She fed me and made sure I got a nap each day. I was sleeping lousy - too many nights waking up each hour to give mom her meds.

After three day Angie had to go home. I spent the first night alone in the house in about 12 years. It was weird. The cats are upset. Jewel won’t eat and Stanley goes in mom and dad’s bedroom and yeowels plaintively. He is looking for mom and dad. I have no way to tell them that mom is gone and dad will be back soon. I spray Feliway and try to coax them to bed.

Music is my savior. I put Pandora, a station on the internet, on dad’s computer in the middle of the house and crank it up.

I gave Terry my last check for taking care of mom and asked her if she could help me with going through mom’s boxes, baskets and drawers of papers. We spent several days at it. It was just as bad as I predicted. Mom had saved all the graduation, wedding and birth announcements from all her siblings, her sibling’s children, their children, all of us kids, the borrowed kids and the foster kids. On top of that she had our report cards, articles out of the paper we were in, diplomas, birth certificates, and awards. I could have made a pile for each and spent the rest of my life mailing packages. I chose to keep mine, Wade’s and Jeff’s. The rest got recycled.

We gathered up several hundred greeting cards that Sue, my boss, said she would take to the Sunshine Division for recycling. We had 176 cards that were new and we gave to the Salvation Army for selling. Among all of this were numerous listing clear back to 1966 of her weight and measurements and what she ate to get there. She had diet journal after diet journal, and list after list. She was obsessed with her weight. There were receipts for things I knew she no longer had. Instruction manuals for long disposed of appliances, and letter after letter from her many children and grandchildren.

When Terry left Sarah came to help. We went through the bathroom. We organized all the cough drops into one bag and threw out all the outdated over the counter medicine and ointments. We tossed makeup and lotions out by the bags full. I gave all the nail polish to Sarah’s sister next door. We laughed when we found a box of opened tampons in one drawer. How long has it been since mom went through the change? Forty years? My mother the packrat.

Between2 - I'll be fine

Dad had me shut the bedroom door after mom died. Hospice came. Terry and the hospice nurse put mom in her butterfly house dress. The Funeral folks came. Melissa pulled Jeff, dad and I over to my side of the house. We probably didn’t want to see the black bag leaving. And after they were gone the bedroom door stayed shut.

The next day Dad said it smelled bad in the master bath and wanted me to put some incense or candles around. I couldn’t smell anything but obliged him. I asked him what I could do to make it better for him. He said he would like her personal things gone – her clothes, her jewelry, her dresser.

Terry and I worked all day packing up mom’s clothes for the Salvation Army. (She was right, I didn’t have to buy her anymore clothes. She had plenty. Some 5’2”, 250lb woman is going to find a great wardrobe over here.) We packed up her jewelry and the things on and in her dresser. After Terry left, while I was taking a nap, the hospice folks came for their stuff – the hospital bed, portable commode, etc.

The next day Amos came and assisted us in moving the beds all back into place. Dad was still sleeping in the study and I offered for him to just stay there, but he said no, it was time for him to get back to his own room. So the king sized bed went back to the master suite and the little twin he was using came back to the study. We were all moving in a fog.

Melissa needed to get home to work. She left Jeff with us. Jeff went through the safe with dad. They found coins he might be able to sell on eBay. We located all her drugs and put them together for the next drug recycling by the county.

I sent dad and Jeff to the store to buy new drapes for the bedroom. Mother had always had it very feminine. Dad wanted a 'man cave.' A year or so ago I bought a wolf patterned Bed-in-a-bag and put it away for later. They picked out blue curtains to go with the background on the spread. Terry suggested we make a place for dad to sit and watch TV at night after I went to bed so he would not have to sit in the living room and look at an empty chair. That has worked out really well. He says he loves his new room. We put his wolf collection in it and his man magazines.

He spent one night in the bed and then he and Jeff took off for Jeff’s house. Dad needed to get away. They asked if it was all right. 

I said sure. 

I can handle it. 

I’ll be fine. 

Just fine. 

Fine.