Between2 - Tis' the Season

Tis’ the season and I am trying to get into the spirit. It is difficult.

I am trying not to count my reasons for having difficulty. I am trying to tally up the good things, loving family, good friends, a job that is somewhat stable, a roof over our heads, and food on the table. I really have nothing to complain about, but here I sit in my Christmas finery after participating in the employee breakfast and feeling very down.

Tonight I have the duty of picking up Stanley’s ashes. Dad chose not to join me. I think I will go have a drink afterward - maybe two. It is so odd how losing Stanley made losing mom so much worse. I can’t think of his struggle without thinking of mom’s. If it is hard for me, how much more difficult is it for dad?

I used to feel guilty if I did anything after work instead of going home to fix dinner for mom and dad. Now I feel equally guilty, if not more, not going home to dad. He is all alone now – no mom (even if she was asleep in her chair most of the time), no hospice people. He told me the other night that the reason he thought he was so depressed lately was that he didn’t have anyone to cuddle with.

I have tried to encourage him to go for counseling – at the least to go to the Senior Center for some companionship during the day. He is dragging his feet. Perhaps I will take him down over Christmas vacation. He needs to get among his own age group. He said he and mom tried the Senior Center before and the folks there were not very friendly. I told him it would be a whole different affair now that he was a widower, and a good looking one at that. He just needs to go. You can’t win the lottery without buying tickets. You can’t find someone to cuddle if you stay cooped up at home all the time.

He flirts with everyone when we’re out together - the waitresses, the sales clerks, the hairdresser, my friends. I told him he was not going to get anywhere with my friends. They have been calling him ‘dad’ for over 20 years. They just don’t think of him as a single, available guy even though he would like to date someone 25 years his junior and could probably get away with it if he picked right.

I am really looking forward to Dale being here in ten days. I think having a third person with different interests and different stories will be good for both dad and me. I hope that doesn’t put too much pressure on Dale, but I think he can take it. He’s a big guy.