Between2 - Tis' the Season

Tis’ the season and I am trying to get into the spirit. It is difficult.

I am trying not to count my reasons for having difficulty. I am trying to tally up the good things, loving family, good friends, a job that is somewhat stable, a roof over our heads, and food on the table. I really have nothing to complain about, but here I sit in my Christmas finery after participating in the employee breakfast and feeling very down.

Tonight I have the duty of picking up Stanley’s ashes. Dad chose not to join me. I think I will go have a drink afterward - maybe two. It is so odd how losing Stanley made losing mom so much worse. I can’t think of his struggle without thinking of mom’s. If it is hard for me, how much more difficult is it for dad?

I used to feel guilty if I did anything after work instead of going home to fix dinner for mom and dad. Now I feel equally guilty, if not more, not going home to dad. He is all alone now – no mom (even if she was asleep in her chair most of the time), no hospice people. He told me the other night that the reason he thought he was so depressed lately was that he didn’t have anyone to cuddle with.

I have tried to encourage him to go for counseling – at the least to go to the Senior Center for some companionship during the day. He is dragging his feet. Perhaps I will take him down over Christmas vacation. He needs to get among his own age group. He said he and mom tried the Senior Center before and the folks there were not very friendly. I told him it would be a whole different affair now that he was a widower, and a good looking one at that. He just needs to go. You can’t win the lottery without buying tickets. You can’t find someone to cuddle if you stay cooped up at home all the time.

He flirts with everyone when we’re out together - the waitresses, the sales clerks, the hairdresser, my friends. I told him he was not going to get anywhere with my friends. They have been calling him ‘dad’ for over 20 years. They just don’t think of him as a single, available guy even though he would like to date someone 25 years his junior and could probably get away with it if he picked right.

I am really looking forward to Dale being here in ten days. I think having a third person with different interests and different stories will be good for both dad and me. I hope that doesn’t put too much pressure on Dale, but I think he can take it. He’s a big guy.

Between2 - Saying goodbye again

Well, there is good news and bad news. I think I will start with the good first. If I start with the bad I won’t get through the blog today.

Those medical issues I spoke of a couple of days ago, that’s what I want to tell you about today.

Dad’s high blood pressure seems to be under control with the increased medication. He needs to see a kidney specialist in January. I guess kidney problems can increase blood pressure and there seems to be no other underlining problem the cardiologist can see - so for the moment that medical issue is okay and on hold.

I received the results from my biopsy. It was benign - so no further need to pursue that. Whew, that was too close for comfort, but good news - giving a big sigh of relief.

Now to the bad news; I had to have Stanley, the cat, put to sleep.

I had come to the end of my emotional and financial limits. Stanley was no longer letting me medicate him. In fact, he was running from me any time I entered the room. I was heart sick. He used to be such a loving and sweet, cuddly kitty.

Taking care of Stanley triggered all kinds of memories of taking care of mother and how futile it was thinking I could fix her illness. I was so depressed and dad was not far behind me. I just wanted to get the Stanley Man well for Christmas. All I wanted for Christmas was my fur-faced cuddly guy back.

I asked the Vet to get to the bottom of the problem. “Let’s put him under and have a good look,” I suggested.

The vet did just that. He found a growth that obstructed almost half of his throat. He was in so much pain that even anesthetized he bit the doctor and drew blood when the vet touched the growth.

They biopsied it and it was cancer.

The doctor said he was in a lot of pain and putting him out of his misery was the right thing to do.

Being the right thing did not make it any easier. He was such a love and so gentle. He died lying in my lap. We will miss him terribly. My arms are already lonely for him. It is going to be a very difficult Christmas without Mom and Stanley. 

I hope they meet up in heaven and have a good Christmas together.

Between2 - If wishes were horses...

My life would be perfect if all medical issues could be resolved.

Many people in the past have noted how important your health is to your piece of mind. When you take classes in elder care they tell you that the reason your charge talks incessantly about their health is because to them they are waging a war. I feel like I have been at war for the last 15 plus years.

First it was with mom’s health, now it seems the Snyders have more battles to fight.

Dad has been diagnosed with high blood pressure. They are sending him to a kidney specialist this week because they cannot find any reason for the problem in his blood. I guess issues with your kidneys can affect your blood pressure.

On top of that are the continuing issues with Stanley, the cats, health. The vet cannot seem to get his sinus infection under control. It is not through lack of trying. We have been trying all summer, fall and now into the winter. I have put no less than $1,000 into his this past 6 months. The poor guy can’t breathe. His nose is stopped up. His eyes weep. He has bloody noses and constant drainage down his throat. In short, he is miserable. When the animals or folks around me are miserable, I’m miserable.

Then there is my health question. I went in for a simple check up. It led to two more ‘look sees’ - then a more intense procedure Friday. They are testing for cancer of the uterus. Whoopee, just what I didn’t need. I will get my results sometime the first part of this week.

I wish I was a fairy with magical powers like I write about on my fiction site. I would pass a wand over all three of us and make it all better. I would even give Jewel, the other cat, a shot to make sure nothing happened to her. If nothing else, it would kill a flea or two.

But, I am not a fairy. I cannot make it better. This is something I learned with mom. As much as I wanted to I could only do so much. I could NOT make it better, as much as I wanted to.

Oh, to be able to live it that magical world where you could repair, fix, rectify, correct, everything. As mother would say, ‘If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.’

Between2 - Never far from our hearts

It’s the countdown to Christmas and Dale’s upcoming visit. Dad and I are both looking forward to having someone in the house during the holiday season to distract us from the fact that mother is no longer with us. This is our first Christmas without her.

Dad suggested that I decorate with my Christmas things this year. It will be the first time I have seen my things in fifteen years. It will be interesting to revisit my decorations. I always did traditional red and green plaid. Mother always did gold and white. I am hoping I can give the house a really warm feeling.

This weekend we will decorate because I have the next three weekends all planned for teas and activities to keep us physically and emotionally occupied, then Dale will be here for ten days.

Dad and I have been compiling two lists on the refrigerator, one for places to take Dale to eat and one for events, activities, sightseeing to take him to. We will get up each morning and decide what we feel like that day.

It will be nice to be a little more mobile. The last three or four times he has visited we were house bound with mom because she just didn’t feel like getting out. He was good with that. He is never hard to please.

We will have a nice Christmas with friends and though I know we will be reminded of mother, we will try not to let it get us down. Christmas was always her favorite holiday. I know she would want us to enjoy the season of togetherness and she will be with us in spirit as always. She is never far from our hearts.

Between2 - Thanksgiving conversation

Thanksgiving was one continuous conversation. With four Snyders and assorted other guests it couldn’t be anything but a ‘talk fest.’

Wade, the elder brother, had to catch us up on his plans and continuing education to become a gunsmith and move to Coos Bay to be nearer to the family. He and the younger brother, Jeff, are intending to go into business together. Jeff has been trading knives on the internet since he became disabled. It is something he can do in the wee hours of the morning when he can’t sleep because of the pain.

The sister-in-laws both seem to get along. They enjoy each other’s company and the break from their husband’s obsession with weapons. I swear the guys talked guns until my eyes glazed over. I thought I talked a lot about my writing and gardening, but at least I have two topics not just one.

Melissa did a great job with dinner. We had it Wednesday night so we could eat up some of the leftovers on Thursday before we all left on Friday. I even caught the boys in the kitchen helping, one making the mashed potatoes and the other stirring the gravy. It looked like some scene from a movie made for TV about a family holiday.

Jeff’s bird, an African Gray named Meken, and their dog Mason kept us all entertained in the few breaks of the conversation. I was trying to get Meken interested in Queen. He likes music and dancing, but his tastes run more to Rod Stewart. Mason is easy to please. She has a ‘ball’ obsession. Throw the ball and she is entertained until she tires enough she flops down in her bed or your arm gives out.

Dad enjoyed the gathering, but missed quite a bit because of his hearing problems. He can’t understand anything when everyone is talking at once and that was just about all the time.

I got the group to slow down and shut up long enough to take pictures of everyone alone, in couples and groups. They all moaned and complained, but you know they all asked me to send copies to them when I left.

The bus ride down and back was better than driving for both dad and me, but it was still long. I think we will wait until spring to make another trip that direction. Jeff asked me to come back in May to see the rhoadies in bloom. We’ll do our best.

Now it’s time to settle into the Christmas hustle and bustle. All the weekends between now and then are planned with something. It is going to be a wild holiday season. Hopefully, we will keep ourselves busy enough we will only miss mom when we slow down for breaths between events.